Should I Stay or Should I Go? Part III

How to recognize unhealthy relationships and get out
By Karin S. Ryan, Psy.D. & Heather B. Trangsrud, Ph.D.

Cycle of Violence

Abuse may seem unpredictable, but there is a (repeated) pattern.

Pattern may look different for different relationships.

Phases:

• Tension Building
• Crisis or Incident Phase
• Reconciliation
• Honeymoon or Calm Phase
• Each phase may last a different length of time.
• Level of violence often increases over time.

Cycle of Violence – Tension Building

Signs:

• Tensions increase.
• Abuser is argumentative/angry.
• Communication breaks down.
• Victim feels as if walking on eggshells and needs to placate abuser.
• Victim may also make excuses for abuser to others.

Cycle of Violence – Crisis Phase

Signs:

• Abuse occurs (e.g., physical, emotional, verbal, sexual).
• Anger, blaming, threats, and/or intimidation.
• Victim may feel loss of control.
• Victim may also feel/be psychologically or physically trapped.
• Victim may not experience effect of abuse immediately.

Cycle of Violence – Reconciliation

Signs:

• Abuser apologizes (maybe).
• Excuses given.
• Blames the victim.
• Denies that abuse occurred.
• Minimizes abuse.
• Doesn't acknowledge abuse and just returns to "usual."

Cycle of Violence – Honeymoon Phase

Signs:

• Incident is forgotten.
• No abuse taking place.
• May express regret and act apologetic or promise it won't happen again.
• Deny intent to abuse.
• Promise will change and/or get help.
• Victim feels responsible for abuser's well-being.

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