Surviving Sexual Assault and Rape
IS IT MY FAULT?
Too often survivors of sexual assault and rape fail to identify these acts as violence. Failing to name them as violence often prevents survivors from seeking the help they need to overcome the trauma of having the control over themselves and their body forcibly taken away.
Healing begins when survivors are able to identify the assault or rape as a crime against them, regardless of whether the act meets legal definitions. Whenever an individual is forced to have sex or engage in sexual activity without giving consent, a crime has occurred. The act may or may not meet the legal definition of rape; however, the reactions, feelings, and need for assistance for the survivor are always present.
Rape and sexual assault are about power and dominance; they are not about sex and certainly not about feelings of affection or love.
Sexual Assault Legislation
For more information regarding definitions, legislation, and state statutes visit the National Center for Victims of Crime website.
In Kansas, as well as Kansas State University, policy prohibits sexual violence. The complete State of Kansas policy may be obtained here
WHAT DO I DO?
Making rational decisions during this time of emotional upheaval is difficult. Survivors need to weigh alternatives, and they usually will benefit from talking with gentle, informed, and trained crisis helpers. Most communities have a telephone hot line that can help survivors sort out options even if the survivor does not want to give a name or make any sort of formal or official report. Below are some resources that may be helpful in trying to figure out what to do next.
Decisions to consider:
- Medical Care
- Will you seek medical care to treat any injuries and be tested for sexually transmitted diseases/pregnancy? For more information on steps you can take click on the link. http://www.rainn.org/get-information/sexual-assault-recovery
- Women's Clinic- Lafene Health Center at KS (785) 532-6554
It is often difficult for women and for men to acknowledge that they have been raped/assaulted. Whether or not you have suffered obvious physical injury, prompt medical attention is probably needed. You may have been exposed to a sexually transmitted disease or suffered some injury that is more subtle. Sometimes pregnancy may occur after a rape. Seek medical attention whether or not you know your attacker. You do not have to report the attack to the police in order to receive medical attention. However, the women's clinic, the student health center, or any hospital emergency room can provide help with gathering evidence with a "rape kit" in case you later may want to report it to the police. At each of these sites there is a specially-trained staff person trained to assist you.
- Counseling helps you cope with your feelings privately or seek the help of a trained professional. There are many different resources you can use.
Counseling Services, K-State
Emotional injury is a part of sexual assault or rape. Just as your physical health needs attention, your emotional well-being also needs attention. Talking to a knowledgeable and sensitive counselor who knows the trauma of sexual assault and understands the challenges of recovery can help you deal with feelings, make decisions, and get your life back on track. http://www.k-state.edu/counseling/
Center for Advocacy, Response, and Education, K-State
The Center for Advocacy, Response, and Education welcomes women and men seeking information and assistance with a variety of issues. An advocate -- someone to work with and for you -- can help you explore available options and see that your needs and rights are respected. You may want someone to help you talk with your family, your landlord, your instructors, your spouse, or your lover. You may want information and support as you decide whether to report the assault to law enforcement and/or university authorities. Books, pamphlets, and other information about sexual assault and rape are available at the Center for Advocacy, Response, and Education. There is even information that can help friends of rape survivors deal with the trauma and aid the survivor as well.
1-800-656-4673 [24/7 hotline]
http://www.rainn.org [online hotline]
Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence http://www.kcsdv.org/
The Crisis Center, Inc (785) 539-7935 (24 hrs) in Manhattan, KS
The Crisis Center offers crisis intervention counseling as well as assistance with medical and legal needs. Both personal and telephone contact with survivors of rape and sexual assault and their families are available. Services are free and confidential
Ascension Via Christi Hospital on College
(785) 776-3322 at 1823 College Ave., Manhattan, KS 66502
The local hospital also offers an Emergency Room for crisis health care.
Pawnee Mental Health Services
(785) 587-4300 at 2001 Claflin, Manhattan, KS 66502
After hours Emergency Helpline at 800-609-2002
Pawnee Mental Health Services is a private, not-for-profit comprehensive community mental health center that serves 10 counties. Emergency services are available for those who are experiencing an emotional crisis. Fees vary according to services
Legal Options Will you report the crime? Criminal Justice System
Civil Justice System http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/national-crime-victim-bar-association
Office of Student Life, K-State
The Dean of Student Life Office can assist students in gaining the services and information they need. Also, if a student wants to report a sexual assault or rape without going to the police, this office can take the report and can assist in determining appropriate University action.
WHAT IS IT THAT I AM FEELING?1
Recovering from rape is a process that begins as soon as the immediate threat has ended and the perpetrator is gone. There are many decisions to be made and many feelings to be expressed. Not all of the decisions or feelings will need to be handled at once, but rather as recovery progresses. The following are common reactions.
Possible Physical Effects of Sexual Assault
Possible Emotional/Psychological Effects of Sexual Assault
- Social withdrawal
- Numbing/apathy (detachment, loss of caring)
- Restricted affect (reduced ability to express emotions)
- Difficulty concentrating
- Diminished interest in activities or sex
- Loss of self-esteem
- Loss of security/loss of trust in others
- Impaired memory
- Loss of appetite
- Suicidal ideation (thoughts of suicide and death)
- Substance Abuse
- Psychological disorders
Possible Physiological Effects of Sexual Assault
- Hypervigilance (always being "on your guard")
- Exaggerated startle response (jumpiness)
- Panic attacks
- Eating problems/disorders
- Self-mutilation (cutting, burning or otherwise hurting oneself)
- Sexual dysfunction (not being able to perform sexual acts)
- Hyperarousal (exaggerated feelings/responses to stimuli)
1 This information was obtained from the National Center for Victims of Crime
WHAT IF I FEEL LIKE I JUST CAN’T “GET OVER IT?”
Remember that no matter how much difficulty you're having dealing with sexual violence, it does not mean you are "going crazy." The fear and confusion will lessen with time, but the trauma may disrupt your life for a while. Survivors will likely feel anger, depression, anxiety, and perhaps have a general sense that everything is falling apart. This phase is often marked by recurring nightmares, a generalized feeling of anxiety, and flashbacks to the attack. While these feelings are disturbing, they are a normal reaction to a trauma and are part of the healing process. Often it is at this time that survivors seek assistance from trained professionals who can help to put their lives back together and recover from rape-related post-traumatic stress. Even long after a sexual assault, some reactions may be triggered by people, places or things connected, or seemingly unconnected, to the assault. These are called "triggers" and they are difficult, but common.
Survivors may also have a fairly dramatic shift in feelings and sometimes in behavior very soon after the sexual assault or rape. Where once they were fearful, tearful, confused, emotionally drained, and out of control, now they may appear to be just fine. Survivors are trying to heal by gaining emotional distance from the trauma. Thus, they still need the support of family and friends regardless of how they may appear to be feeling or behaving.
Loss of sexual identity may also occur. Survivors may change their clothing style, hairstyle, makeup, or anything else that will allow them to see themselves as different from the person who was attacked. Though this is a painful time, this phase suggests that the survivor is beginning to deal with the reality of the sexual assault or rape.
When enough of the anger and depression is released and worked through, survivors may begin to recover from what has happened to them. They may still think and talk about what happened, but they will now understand and feel in control of their emotions. The trauma begins to play less of a major role in their life. In no way do they condone what happened but they are now able to live again. Though their lives may have changed, their feelings of self-worth and strength will reemerge. Life will probably be different, and their world view may have changed somewhat, but the survivor can feel stronger, more whole, and more in control of life again. At this point, they have not only survived but also recovered from the trauma.
HOW DO I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF?
The aftermath of sexual violence can be an emotional and difficult time. As a survivor, self-care is a key part of the healing process. Below is a list of ways in which a survivor can practice good self-care. Be sure to make a special effort to ensure that whatever you do to take care of yourself is done at your own pace and in agreement with your own needs.
- Try to maintain a balanced diet and sleep cycle as much as possible; avoid overusing stimulants like caffeine, sugar, and nicotine.
- Use stress reduction techniques, such as exercise (jogging, aerobics, walking) or relaxation (yoga, massage, music, hot baths, prayer and/or meditation).
- Seek medical care, if needed
- Make sure that you spend time with people that are supportive.
- Choose when, where, and with whom to talk about the violence, and set limits by only disclosing information that feels safe for you to reveal.
- Allow yourself "time outs." Give yourself permission to take quiet moments to reflect, relax and rejuvenate-especially during times you feel stressed or unsafe.
- Consider writing or keeping a journal as a way of expressing thoughts and feelings.
- Find time to do activities that you enjoy.
- Consider talking with a counselor who is knowledgeable about rape, sexual assault, and trauma
- Make your self-care a priority, not something that happens (or doesn’t happen!) by accident.
HOW DO I HELP/SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SEXUALLY ASSAULTED?
The process of recovering from a sexual assault or rape takes time. As a friend or loved one, your help during this process is essential. Survivors need a great deal of support and caring as they begin to address and survive a very frightening and violent experience. Friends and family can help by:
Listening and being available.
Survivors will need to talk about what happened and will probably express many feelings. Providing a safe environment in which to talk and also setting aside time for these conversations may be the most helpful thing that friends and family can do. You do not need to provide answers. Just listen.
If you are not able or willing to listen, acknowledge that, then help the survivor in ways that you can. Remember that the recovery process may last for several months to years and that the need and desire to talk will vary depending on where the survivor happens to be in the recovery process
Survivors may also need encouragement from loved ones to seek the assistance of a trained professional who can help the survivor to express the often painful thoughts and feelings connected to the sexual assault or rape.
Believing and not Judging.
Too often family and friends may fall into the trap of believing some of the rape myths -- particularly those that have to do with the victim somehow being responsible for the assault or rape. The job of family and friends is to support, to believe, and to be non-judgmental. Survivors will be dealing with their own sense of shame and guilt and should not be burdened by the ill-founded judgments of those people who are closest to them.
Offering a safe place to stay or even staying with the survivor.
This may seem like such a small thing, but feeling safe again may be very difficult for the survivor. Having family or friends close at hand can facilitate that sense of being safe and protected. It is important, however, not to be smothering. Allow survivors to determine where they want to stay and with whom.
Recognizing that recovery takes a long time.
It is important for significant people in the survivor's life to refrain from suggesting or even hinting that the survivor "should have gotten over it by now." This sort of nonsupport may further delay or interrupt the healing process.
Friends and family can aid in the healing by acknowledging the feelings, by reminding the survivor that the feelings are a normal part of healing, and by emphasizing that these feelings will not last forever.
Respecting the decisions that the survivor makes.
Part of feeling in control includes making decisions and having those decisions be respected. Sometimes family and friends may not agree with the decisions that are being made; however, it is important that survivors be allowed to determine their own solutions to the sexual assault or rape.
Being gentle, sensitive, and respectful of the survivor's wishes for closeness or affection.
Do be gentle and sensitive. Survivors may want affection or they may not want to be close. If you are not sure what they want, ask before acting and recognize that what they want may change from time to time.
Dealing with your own feelings.
Typically family and friends have some fairly strong reactions when someone they care about has been assaulted or raped. They may feel anger, rage, guilt, confusion, blame, or numerous other strong emotions. Just as the actual survivor must express emotion, so too must friends and family.
But rather than expressing this emotion to the survivor, the friend or family member should deal with these emotions with someone else. It is not fair to survivors to have to handle not only their own feelings but also those of the people they are turning to for support and assistance. In fact, this can only add to the feelings of guilt and remorse that survivors may already be feeling. In essence, it may only make healing more difficult (Hughes & Sandler, 1987)2 .
Understanding the impact of the trauma on sexual interactions with your partner.
Sexual Partners: A Special Relationship.
Since sexual assault violates an individual in a most personal way, the intimate partner of a survivor has a special place in the healing process and will especially need to use all of the ways to help:
- Listening, being available
- Believing, not judging
- Providing safety
- Respecting the survivor's decisions
- Allowing recovery time--as long as is needed
- Respecting in a sensitive manner the survivor's wishes for affection or sexual contact
- Addressing one's own feelings of anger, rage, guilt, sadness, confusion, or blame.
2Hughes, J.O. & Sandler, B.R. (1978). "Friends" raping friends: Could it happen to you? Washington, D.C.: Project on the Education and Status of Women, Association of American Colleges
CAN MEN BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED?
What Is It?
The sexual assault of a male is forcing a man or boy into sexual acts. Sexual assault may involve touching, fondling, contact between the mouth and either the victim’s or the abuser’s private parts (genital area), and putting body parts or other objects inside the victim’s body. Sexual assault is an act that is done to the victim or that the victim is forced to do with someone else. Every state has laws against sexual assault, whether the victim is male or female.
Who Commits Male Rape?
Most perpetrators of male rape (those who commit the crime) are male. But men and boys can be victimized by females, too. Some victims are hurt by strangers. But most are assaulted by someone they know: family, friends, romantic partners, acquaintances, or dates.
How Do Rapists Control Victims?
Rapists don’t always use physical force or weapons to commit the crime. They may threaten to hurt victims or someone they care about if victims do not cooperate. They may isolate them (take them to a place where there are no other people who might help victims). Or they may give the victims alcohol or drugs so they have trouble protecting themselves.
How Does Sexual Assault Affect Male Victims?
Victims react to the crime in many different ways. They may not tell anyone about what happened. They may be ashamed or afraid of what people might think. Or they may blame themselves or think they should have been able to protect themselves. They may think the police might not believe them or take the assault seriously.
Some male sexual assault victims are concerned because they had a physical response or arousal during the attack. This does not mean that they enjoyed what happened or wanted to be attacked. Sexual assault is forced on the victim without his consent.
Some victims wonder why the rapist chose them. Both straight and gay men may fear they were targeted because the rapist thought they were gay. They may not know that sexual assault often has little to do with the sexual orientation of the rapist or the victim. Rapists may choose victims simply because they are available, without concern for sexual orientation, gender, or age.
ANY SUGGESTED READING?
There are resources written about rape and sexual assault that has the potential to be helpful to someone in the healing process. Below is a list of books that have been recommended by counselors at Counseling Services. Again, practice good self-care and seek support, or discontinue reading, if material becomes too overwhelming.
* Abused Boys – The neglected victims of sexual abuse
by Mic Hunter (1991), Ballantine Books
* Coping with Trauma – A guide to self understanding
by Jon G. Allen (1995), American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc
* The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis, Harper Paperbacks
* I never called it rape: The Ms. Report on Recognizing, Fighting, and Surviving Date and Acquaintance Rape
by Robin Warshaw (1994), Harper & Row
* If she is raped. A book for husbands, fathers and male friends.
by Alan W. McEvoy & Jeff B. Brookings (2001), Learning Publications
* If you are raped: What every woman needs to know
by Kathryn M. Johnson (1998), Learning Publications
Resurrection After Rape: A guide to transforming from victim to survivor
by Matt Atkinson (2008), R.A.R. Publishing
Telling: A Memoir of Rape and Recovery
by Patricia Weaver Francisco (2000), Harper Paperbacks
Victims no longer: men recovering from incest and other sexual child abuse
by Mike Lew (1990), Harper & Row
Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma: The Innate Capacity to Transform Overwhelming Experiences
by Peter A. Levine Ph.D. and Ann Frederick (1997), North Atlantic Books
* Available in the Counseling Services Student Resource Library