We often disguise our appeals for help
Friends may also communicate to us, sometimes in subtle ways, that they need support from us. An unexpected telephone call, a personal visit that seems to linger after a discussion of superficial matters, a glance with tears in the eyes are appeal signals. When we are hurting inside, we typically send out veiled messages instead of directly asking for support. This allows us to save face if another is not interested.

When we suffer, we may also not express what is on our minds and in our hearts because we do not want to "burden" a friend or stranger with our problems. We may tell ourselves that they are not interested or would not understand. We may be unwilling to take the risk of becoming vulnerable. We might be afraid that an indifferent or critical response will increase our distress.

Consequently, our pain “leaks out” just a little, to see how another person responds.

Effective helping may start with observing evidence of a Friend’s need for support.

13

Observing for Signs of Stress