EXPECTATIONS OF PERFECTION CAN PLUMMET HOLIDAY CHEER

MANHATTAN -- Beware of idealizing or hoping for the perfect holiday season, warns Anthony Jurich, professor of family studies and human services at Kansas State University. Many people are often involved in holiday events, which is bound to increase the opportunities for mishaps.

"Unfulfilled expectations and expectations that are too rigid are the two things that will torpedo more holidays than anything else," Jurich said. "Flexibility is the key. Try to work with the other people, and understand it is not your holiday alone."

Jurich recommends that families talk about expectations before the holidays. Discuss the meals to be prepared, the times people are expected to be at what places, the amount of money to be spent on gifts and other such issues, he said. Besides the logistics, Jurich said it is also important to have all of the family members discuss what the holiday means to them each year. This way, people can be more sensitive to each other's perspectives.

"The story of the nativity may mean nothing to your family," Jurich said. "Christmas is 'Ho-Ho-Ho,' Santa Claus and a lot of Christmas tree decorations. Or, it may mean a very solemn, very holy religious night. So, what the holiday means to us is one thing, but it also means something different to the other members of the family."

However, even with the best intentions and the best preparations, realize things may still go awry, Jurich said. Especially if there's that one antagonistic relative that always gets to you. So, what's to be done with personality conflicts? Jurich says to rely on a little tolerance and a little finesse.

"It's a good idea to remember that, even though you may be related by blood or by marriage to these people, doesn't mean they know you and what you need, or you know them and what they need," Jurich said. "You have to remember to be somewhat on your best behavior."

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December 1998