*published in The Department Chair 7:1 (Summer, 1996)
To prepare for their annual performance review, faculty oil and load their favorite Smith & Wesson.
Departmental collegiality is defined as"Do unto others before they can do unto you."
The dean sends messages of condolence to all of the department's majors.
The promotion and tenure committee's motto is:"Over my dead body!"
As the chair addresses the faculty, one professor turns to another and asks, "Who IS that person?"
Students have to file missing person reports on the professors in this department.
The faculty agree on only one thing - the chair is overpaid.
The chair reads the department mission statement in a faculty meeting; several faculty ask what department she's talking about.
The faculty talk more ABOUT one another than TO one another.
The department chair calls a faculty meeting and only the secretary shows up.