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Kansas State University

KEYS TO FAIR FIGHTING

Most relationships have some conflict. It only means you disagree about something, it doesn't have to mean you don't like each other! When you have a problem to talk about:

  • Negotiate a time to talk about it. Don't have difficult conversations when you are very angry or tired. Ask, "When is a good time to talk about something bothering me?"
  • Don't criticize. Attack the problem, not the other person. Open sensitive conversations with "I" statements; talk about how you struggle with the problem. Don't open with "you" statements; avoid blaming the other person for your thoughts and feelings.
  • Take the time to genuinely listen. Don't plan what to say next while you're trying to listen. Don't interrupt.
  • Listen with your ears and your heart. Sometimes people have emotional messages to share and weave it into their words.
  • Ask questions. Ask if you think you may have missed the point. Ask friendly (and appropriate!) questions. Ask for opinions. Show your interest.
  • Share information. Be generous in sharing yourself, but don't overwhelm others with too much too soon. Don't use "the truth" to hurt others.
  • Don't assign feelings or motives. Let others speak for themselves.
  • Stay with the topic. Don't use a current concern as a reason to jump into everything that bothers you.
  • Say, "I'm sorry" when you're wrong. It goes a long way in making things right again.
  • Don't assume things. When we feel close to someone it's easy to think we know how he or she thinks and feels. We can be very wrong!
  • There may not be a resolved ending. Be prepared to compromise or to disagree about some things.
  • Don't hold grudges. You don't have to accept anything and everything, but don't hold grudges-they just drain your energy. Studies show that the more we see the best in others, the better healthy relationships get.
  • The goal is for everyone to be a winner. Relationships with winners and losers don't last. Seek answers to problems together.


Written by Joyce Woodford
Kansas State University Counseling Services, Manhattan, KS © 2001